November 14, 2024 ; Why is everything so heavy?
I'm holding onWhy is everything so heavy?
Holding on
To so much more than I can carry
I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
If I just let go, I'd be set free
These days I'm so overwhelmingly tired, no matter how much sleep I get. Sometimes it feels like it's hard to physically keep my eyes open. I can only assume it's because of *gestures at everything.*
To be honest, I'm not sure why I'm writing. I don't feel like anything substantial happened between yesterday and today. No new groundbreaking thoughts. I finished my first two zines though, so that was exciting. The first issue of Unmaking was... raw. I still don't feel like I conveyed what I was trying to convey, but I think I came close. It has to do with CSA and my father.
I don't know. I was so confident in my abilities a few days ago. I kept thinking, "yeah! a zine is supposed to be ugly! so I can make ugly art and not worry about it looking polished and it'll still be okay!" But I think I've found that because it feels like such a representation of me, I find myself agonizing over details and worrying about how it'll be perceived. Will people understand this? What if they don't like it? What if what I'm making is actually ~bad~? Instead of just... making, and sharing pieces of me with other people even if those pieces are ugly. Because there are pieces of me that are ugly, and that's normal.
So where does that leave me? I'm not sure. I am feeling awful today. Just tired and beat down and maybe a bit emotionally raw. Maybe part of it just from politics. But probably also because I allowed myself to sit in my trauma yesterday to make that zine.